I have so many thoughts toiling through my mind right now.
I’m stressed, I’m happy, I’m chilled out, I’m scared.
I’m falling in love, I’m losing my mind, I’m losing sleep, I’m losing time.
I’m almost there yet I’ve got so far to go.
And that’s just me and the thoughts that press on my mind. What about everyone else? The things they tell me to think, say, and do. What about their problems? Is it my job to fix them to?
I’m falling further in love every day. Yet, fully aware that very soon, you, this, us, we, may cease to exist in a very near future.
So I should cherish the time I have, right? Wrong. Instead I let it eat away at me. Never deciding either way, and instead, decide to figure it out later, knowing full well that later will very soon be now.
No one sees this though. It’s not that they don’t care but rather, that I don’t care for them to see. I am supposed to be the strong one. The one with the comforting hugs and perfect advice. Even if I asked for help, no one would know what to say, because this isn’t anyone’s matter but mine. I am the only one losing sleep over this, I am the only one who any of these problems effect.
Individually they aren’t that bad, a simple problem of needing to calm or comfort myself. Collectively though, all these emotions are driving me insane.
I’ve practically gone mad. When I step out of reality, and crawl into my bed, phone off, lights off, nothing there but me, my blankets, and a God who, I know cares, but lately feels mysterious and far, all these emotions come rushing over me.
Some days, I come home and I sit, for hours at a time doing absolutely nothing. I finish that time with hours vanished. Time wasted. Because although that time is intended to relax, I don’t get any relief. I sit and think. Thinking is supposed to solve problems, but I don’t solve anything. Instead I sit, and think about all these problems that, in my room with nothing to do, seem so distant, but in reality, are so present.
I want to escape, but I can’t. I want to do something about it, but I don’t. I want to tell someone, but I won’t.
My parents know more than anyone, yet they are the ones I m least likely to talk about any of this with. The thing is I haven’t had to say much. They figure most of it out on their own. Most of it by personal experience. They don’t realize how much this all is though. The pressure of everyone beating down on me. All of the rules, plans, needs, wants, requests, and changes.
Everything!
Just, everything.
When someone asks, “How are you?” Everything. I literally feel almost every capable human emotion.
“What’s up?” Everything. Life never stops, everyday it just moves faster.
“What’s wrong?” Everything. Pick any subject of my life, I can find something wrong, I promise.
and I’m not due to pessimism. If anything, I’m the opposite, I am a positive person and I always find the very best of life.
I’ve neglected to say that many parts of life are great right now. Fantastic even. Now.
The future. The future is the problem. The reason I need to think, the reason I need to worry, the reason that any of the thing that are currently killing me, exist, the reason, it matters whether or not something is killing me.
The future.
Exciting, new, exhilarating. Yes. Vague, scary, erratic. Even more so.
What is it about me that wants so much control? I am fully aware of the fact that I cannot manipulate the future. So much aware that rather than try to make it the best it will be, I fall into a never ending, self deprecating, spiral of apathy.
I can’t control the future. Why try? Why try anything? I probably wont get into a great college, so why bother with school work, I probably wont get scholarships, so why should I apply? I probably wont get to keep you forever, so why tease myself by having you now? I probably wont figure out how to solve my problems, so why bother trying?
What did I waste, an hour? Trying to articulate the fact that I am incapable of verbalizing my non-existent problems. Hence goes the cycle again.
I’m tired. I don’t want to think anymore I don’t want to try anymore.
Eliminate my mind, and all the internal struggles it convinces me I have.
Poof.
Life is so beautiful right now. I have every reason to smile, everything in life is being handed to me on a silver platter and all I have to do is take it. Take the initiative, the compliments, the love, the freedom. Take charge, and just go. All I have to do is go.
Why worry about the future when I can be enjoying how wonderful life is right now?
That’s the cruelty of life isn’t it? That even at our peaks, our mind has to come around and remind us about how bad times have been. How much worse times could be. How everything could and may very well disappear in an instant.
These are the pains of being a realist. Seeing all things, good and bad for what they are. Fully comprehending the most delicate workings of life and yet, being entirely incapable to control them.
And so, my emotions go. My brain toils over numerous problems that may or may not concern me. As I sit, and watch life pass by, quicker than I can even write it down.
Life is wonderful right now. The future daunting. My thoughts tedious. My heart passionate. My mind tired.
What to do?
